A Real Man and A Real Woman

A Real Man...

Is wise, yet humble.
Doesn't put others down with his actions, words or strength. He affirms and builds others up.
Protects those who cannot protect themselves.
Respects and appreciates a young lady's purity and innocence.
Is not ashamed to live and act differently from the world in order to guard himself.
Treats his sisters and mother with great respect.
Is a polite gentlemen and shows women honor.
Doesn't blame others for his own problems but embraces responsibility.
Can accept correction.
Understands the value of work and is financially responsible.
Knows right from wrong and always strives to make virtuous choices.

A Real Woman...

Delights in her femininity.
Is trustworthy and gains the respect of others.
Restrains herself from gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion.
Encourages and builds up those around her.
Does not have a nagging, or manipulative manner in which she deals with others.
Does not wallow in self-pity, but rather sacrifices and works hard to accomplish her dreams and goals.
Channels her emotions calmly and constructively.
Has a gentle and quiet spirit.
Does not relate to members of the opposite sex in a flirtatious or forward manner, but instead saves her sexual expressions for her future husband.
Holds her virginity before marriage as sacred and will not compromise it for anything.

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PARENTHOOD TEST

How to know whether or not you are ready to have children
 
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Place a fish stick 
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
 
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.  (If Legos are not available, you 
may substitute roofing tacks).  Have a friend spread them all over 
the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or 
kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night.)
 
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them 
with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in 
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
 
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net 
bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
 
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug 
swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit 
Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to 
be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
 
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 
pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to 
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your bag and 
set your alarm for 12:00 AM.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing 
every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and 
sing these too until 4:00AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and 
make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your 
clothes.  Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10 of the 
beans.
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter.  
Ask the clerk to help himself.  Now proceed to the nearest food 
store.  Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be 
directly deposited to the store.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home 
and read it quietly for the last time.
 
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child.  Lecture them on how 
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet 
training, and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can 
improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their 
children to run wild.  Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last 
time you will have all the answers.

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THE PRESSED LEAF

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, 

he looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Then something fell 

out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely.  It 

was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between 

pages.  



"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. 



"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.



With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's 

Adam's suit!"

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THE TWO EVIL BROTHERS

There were two evil brothers.  They were rich and used their 
money to keep their ways from the public eye.  They even 
attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.  
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.  Not only 
could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also 
spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.  
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining 
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and 
handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for 
the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said.  “At his funeral, you must 
say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and 
deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.  “He 
was an evil man,” he said.  “He cheated on his wife, abused his 
family, swindled his friends and the poor...”  After going on in 
this vein for a small time, he concluded with: “But, compared to 
his brother, he was a saint.”

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15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her 
head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.  Then she’s 
yours.
  —Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 

Find a prostitute and marry her.  
  —Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) 

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his 
flock.  
  —Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) 

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the 
deal.  
  —Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 

Go to a party and hide.  When the women come out to dance, grab 
one and carry her off to be your wife.  
  —Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.  Note: this will 
cost you a rib.  
  —Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) 

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in 
marriage.  Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.  Then work 
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the 
first place.  That’s right.  Fourteen years of toil for a woman.  
  —Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies 
and get his daughter for a wife.  
  —David (I Samuel 18:27) 

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll 
definitely find someone.  (It’s all relative of course.) 
  —Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.  
  —Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) 

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I 
have seen a ...woman; now get her for me.” If your parents 
question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me.  She’s the 
one for me.” 
  —Samson (Judges 14:1-3) 

Kill any husband and take HIS wife.  (Prepare to lose four sons 
though).  
  —David (2 Samuel 11) 

Wait for your brother to die.  Take his widow.  (It’s not just a 
good idea, it’s the law).  
  —Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 

Don’t be so picky.  Make up for quality with quantity.  
  —Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) 

A wife?  NOT! 
  —Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

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KNOCK & THE DOOR SHALL BE OPENED TO THEE...

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members.  At 
one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came 
to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.  
Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote “Revelations 
3:20” on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.  

{Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my 
voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with 
him and him with me.}

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.  Below 
the pastor’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10”.  

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I 
was naked; and I hid myself.}

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