PARENTHOOD TEST

How to know whether or not you are ready to have children
 
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Place a fish stick 
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
 
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.  (If Legos are not available, you 
may substitute roofing tacks).  Have a friend spread them all over 
the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or 
kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night.)
 
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them 
with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in 
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
 
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net 
bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
 
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug 
swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit 
Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to 
be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
 
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 
pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to 
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your bag and 
set your alarm for 12:00 AM.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing 
every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and 
sing these too until 4:00AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and 
make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your 
clothes.  Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10 of the 
beans.
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter.  
Ask the clerk to help himself.  Now proceed to the nearest food 
store.  Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be 
directly deposited to the store.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home 
and read it quietly for the last time.
 
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child.  Lecture them on how 
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet 
training, and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can 
improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their 
children to run wild.  Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last 
time you will have all the answers.